Yes, I've been tardy with and fallen several days behind on this blog challenge. Which simply means that I need to make an effort to catch up and this is precisely what I am about to do.
Why have I fallen off the radar? To be quite frank, I have been having mixed episodes for days and have not felt up to dealing with the world, even writing something that others might read seemed too overwhelming. Mixed episodes are, in my experience, the worst part of having bipolar disorder. For me, over the past several days, my moods have run the gamut from waking up sad and physically fatigued (far beyond feeling "sleepy"), having sparks of what seemed like utter brilliance that fizzled out just as quickly as my focus was nonexistent and motivation also vanished as quickly as it had appeared. I between all of these were hours of depersonalization, which you can read about here. Of the five symptoms listed, I suffer from the bottom three.
Am I simply rambling, as I so often do? Not exactly. My illness is at the very root of my biggest fear, which isn't my phobia of chimpanzees (and most primates) as some people who know me may expect.
My biggest fear is that I will never be able to find, let alone hold onto, the thing I want most in this world. A husband and children. Having a family. Whatever my positive or exceptional qualities, they come with counterweights that may not always balance. I feel that expecting another person to have that level of patience and the never ending desire to understand is unfair and expecting far too much.
Although my medications are beyond invaluable to managing my illness and I have made consistent progress in my life (although apparently not quickly enough for some people) that does not mean I will never have episodes. It doesn't mean that my eccentricity with disappear (living alone for nearly a decade straight is fertile soil to grow eccentricity mental illness or no). Sometimes I will be impossible to fathom. It simply doesn't seem right to expect someone else to be prepared for any weather that may transpire.
With the exception of my dogs, I expect that I will always be alone.
This is my biggest fear.
For more Day 5 Blog Challenge posts click below:
Danielle's Post for Day 5 and 6