20 January 2014

Blog Challenge Day 5: Biggest Fear

Yes, I've been tardy with and fallen several days behind on this blog challenge.  Which simply means that I need to make an effort to catch up and this is precisely what I am about to do.

Why have I fallen off the radar?  To be quite frank, I have been having mixed episodes for days and have not felt up to dealing with the world, even writing something that others might read seemed too overwhelming.  Mixed episodes are, in my experience, the worst part of having bipolar disorder.  For me, over the past several days, my moods have run the gamut from waking up sad and physically fatigued (far beyond feeling "sleepy"), having sparks of what seemed like utter brilliance that fizzled out just as quickly as my focus was nonexistent and motivation also vanished as quickly as it had appeared.  I between all of these were hours of depersonalization, which you can read about here.  Of the five symptoms listed, I suffer from the bottom three.

Am I simply rambling, as I so often do?  Not exactly.  My illness is at the very root of my biggest fear, which isn't my phobia of chimpanzees (and most primates) as some people who know me may expect.

My biggest fear is that I will never be able to find, let alone hold onto, the thing I want most in this world.  A husband and children.  Having a family.  Whatever my positive or exceptional qualities, they come with counterweights that may not always balance.  I feel that expecting another person to have that level of patience and the never ending desire to understand is unfair and expecting far too much.

Although my medications are beyond invaluable to managing my illness and I have made consistent progress in my life (although apparently not quickly enough for some people) that does not mean I will never have episodes.  It doesn't mean that my eccentricity with disappear (living alone for nearly a decade straight is fertile soil to grow eccentricity mental illness or no).  Sometimes I will be impossible to fathom.  It simply doesn't seem right to expect someone else to be prepared for any weather that may transpire.

With the exception of my dogs, I expect that I will always be alone.

This is my biggest fear.

For more Day 5 Blog Challenge posts click below:
Yvonne's Post
Danielle's Post for Day 5 and 6


  1. Some of us really care for you. Don't turn your back on those who love you and to hide in fear.

    1. I don't "hide in fear" regarding my friends; I do isolate when I am either not doing well so that they don't have to deal with that or when I'm doing well and am trying to keep stress to a minimum so that things with continue to go well. Perhaps the the latter (or even the former) doesn't make sense in general, but it does make sense to me and helps me.

      The fear I expressed in this post is that I don't think it's likely that I will be accepted regarding long term relationships/marriage. Rational or not, that is the most deep-seated fear I have.